my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
