You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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