he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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