gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
