Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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