Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
