Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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