I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
