You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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