my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
