He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
