Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
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i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
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He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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