Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
