Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
