Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
