I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
