I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
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I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?