Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
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She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.