Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.