Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't deserve a penis
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
