I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Randomize
