im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
