it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
