Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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