Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.