When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.