The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Randomize
