Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i drank out of a bidet.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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