How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
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