when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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