Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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