I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
