today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
