rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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