We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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