If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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