she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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