I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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