put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
