Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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