He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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