I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Two words: blizzard sex
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
