I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
