So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
