I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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