my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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