ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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