I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
