i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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