God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
