hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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