I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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