Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Never joke about your clitoris.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
