i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
