ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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